


To My Dearest

by Oliver__Niko



Series: SorMik Week 2019 [4]
Category: Tales of Zestiria
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Diary/Journal, Epilogue, Hopeful Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-10
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-08-14 14:14:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20193595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oliver__Niko/pseuds/Oliver__Niko
Summary: Mikleo has suppressed his grief over Sorey's slumber for countless years. In order to acknowledge his pain and steadily move on, Lailah suggests he writes a diary directed to Sorey, expressing his emotions and thoughts.





	To My Dearest

**Author's Note:**

> For both prompts, Morning Glory (bonds; departure) and Narcissus (rebirth; renewal)
> 
> Please bear in mind that this fic covers clear signs of depression and hopelessness, as well as a brief mention of a form of self harm, just in case you may be sensitive to such topics.
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

**Entry 1**

So … here it is.

This feels a little strange. I’ve written a lot before. I started that novel you said that you’d love to see me write, yet that is different. I focused on all of us there. Our journeys together, what we discovered, all of the joyous occasions. A lot of you is there, too. Obviously. You were the Shepherd, after all.

But this is the first time talking about myself, to myself. Definitely strange for sure.<strike> And talking about myself isn’t something I particularly like doing.</strike>

This is Lailah’s idea. See, they’ve been worried about me, despite how much I insist I’m fine. Maybe that’s a bit of a lie, I have to admit.

It’s already been 102 years since we won the battle. Even now, it still sometimes feels like I have no victory at all. That sounds selfish when we saved the world and all. And yet, even after all this time, I still can’t forget about you.

The first years were actually the easiest, I think. Certainly not at first. But we had so much hope then. Our fight against Heldalf made us stronger in a number of ways, and we all began to search for our own dreams.

Rose became the Shepherd. Alisha decided on fulfilling her role as both princess and squire, knowing she wouldn’t be satisfied without it. Edna mourned and began to move on from her brother’s death, Lailah continued her role as Prime Lord, Zaveid is just … Zaveid.

As for me, I continued your dream for you. Someone had to.

So for a while, it was as though you were simply on vacation for a while or something like that. Time moves differently for seraphim. Back when you were here, I never realised it so much, because I was raised so similarly to you. But after … Well, I saw how it really does move by so quickly for us.

I realised how you’d be older by now. Would you be taller? I imagine so, considering the age you went to sleep. Far too young for anyone.

It crushed me, realising how that had been taken away from you. And I realised how much we were missing out on.

The years went by in a confusing blur of joy and sadness. Alisha died, Rose as well, and we mourned them deeply. We still do.

I feel guilty that I think about you when it has not been so long since their deaths.

This has become far too long already and I barely even explained myself, did I? Lailah told me to write out all my thoughts. She said that to combat my grief over you, I need to finally start accepting it and acknowledging it, rather than suppress it. I’ve been doing that for a while.

<strike>Maybe that’s why it’s so bad now.</strike>

So that’s that. I’m not sure on what this will do for me. But it certainly beats doing nothing.

**Entry 2**

Admittedly, it’s already been a few months since Lailah told me to do this. She scolded me when she realised that I haven’t been sticking to it.

To say that this is the first time I’ve thought about you would also be a lie. I swear that you’re on my mind almost everyday.

You’d think that because it’s been so long and I know you’d return, I’d be okay. It’s strange as well if you think about it. Only a small fraction of my life was spent with you. You truly must have been special if I still remember all the times we spent together vividly.

Do you remember too, where you are? We truly do have a lot of memories together. The first time we went exploring, training together, when we set off to the world below … And that’s just to name a few.

I wish I had told you how much I treasured all of it.

There’s a lot of things I wish I could have told you. I hope each day that you’ll finally wake up for me to tell you. Yet I know a single century is nowhere near enough for you to finish this task. It may be some time yet before I get to tell you a single thing.

Don’t mind the wet patches on the paper. <strike>I wouldn’t want you to know that I cry this much missing you.</strike>

**Entry 3**

I don’t understand why it still hurts so much. I need to remember that you’re going to return. If Edna can move on from her brother’s death, I should be able to feel joy that one day, you’ll return to me.

I do. I really do. But it’s hard to feel joy when it hurts this much.

I just want you back.

**Entry 4**

I think I’m forgetting what you look like. Your voice is so distant. I’m terrified I’m going to forget you completely.

**Entry 5**

I think I at least remember your laughter. I fell through a trap today, and it was almost like you were right there with me.

But I think it was my imagination, as much as I wish you really had been there.

**Entry 6**

I’m sorry that the last entries have been so short and that it’s been a while.

I felt a little better when Zaveid comforted me. It can be difficult to bring up images of those who have not been in your life for such a long time. He told me that as long as I remember the emotions I feel towards you and remember the times we spent together, I will never truly forget you, and everything will be as it was once I lay eyes on you.

That made me feel better for a while. And I do remember you. I remember your smile, your eyes. I just struggle sometimes to figure out if I only remember them because I know that this is how it was, if my mind is creating those images for me, or if I truly can picture it properly. I suppose it doesn’t really matter.

Although now I’ve been worrying if you really are going to return. What if something goes wrong, and you die in the process? What if you remain asleep forever?

I can’t bear the thought. It’s all so confusing. If you died that day, I’d have been broken, yet I’d have a reason to move on nonetheless. But I can’t move on, because you’re supposed to return. What if all this waiting is for nothing?

I don’t know what I’d do. I’m not sure what would be left after that.

<strike>Sometimes I think the only reason why I can even carry on is the thought of you coming back to me.</strike>

Perhaps I need to go exploring soon. I’ve not done so for a few weeks because I still sometimes feel guilty about doing so without you. But they’re always telling me that distractions are important, and they’re probably right.

**Entry 7**

I overheard a child today talking about the life of a Shepherd; you, of course. It’s been 120 years now, yet I promise you that people still speak about you.

They’re thankful that you gave them this world. I am too.

**Entry 8**

Sometimes, I use scalding water and ice to bring myself back as I spiral. I can heal it right away, but Edna nagged at me, telling me it’s not healthy. I feel like she might have done something similar with her own artes. Replacing the mental pain with something physical.

That made me feel guilty. And I know it’s not what you would have wanted for me, so I won’t do it again.

**Entry 9**

Today, Lailah, Zaveid, Edna and I went to the beach. I was able to forget everything. We played volleyball on the sand, which was definitely fun, although Zaveid and Edna constantly cheated against Lailah and I. Using wind artes and rocks to knock the ball to where you want … Must be against the rules, I’m telling you.

We also went swimming. Well, _tried _to. Zaveid was the only one who managed, really. Edna’s earth affinity stops her from being able to swim, Lailah isn’t particularly fond of water, as for me …

Yes yes, I can hear you laughing. A water seraph who can’t swim. I’ve heard it a million times already.

To counter this issue, Edna and I made the use of life preservers, whereas Lailah was simply happy to sunbathe. Strangely enough, whilst I seem to burn easily if I’m not careful, Lailah simply doesn’t burn or tan in the sun whatsoever. Perhaps it’s her element.

We stayed there all day anyway, up until the sunset, where we sat and watched the sky’s changes. It had been the most relaxed I’ve felt in a while. Hearing the waves wash ashore, how beautiful the sunset was, the silence … It was absolutely wonderful.

I wish you had been there. Perhaps we can go to the beach together one day; the sea at Hexen Isle certainly didn’t count.

<strike>By the way, I remember what I was going to tell you that day in Elysia. Hopefully I can remember again when you’re back.</strike>

**Entry 10**

<strike>How have my feelings for you not disappeared after</strike>

Please ignore that. I hope that you’re resting well. I look at the stars, and remember that they still exist thanks to you.

**Entry 11**

Sometimes, I remember something else about you, or us. That’s the strange thing about memories. They’re always there, deep inside you, and can surface when you least expect.

I began to recall how I used to cut your hair for you. You tried to do the same to me, yet you messed it up so badly I didn’t even want you to touch it ever again. Maybe I’ll finally let you again when you return, although you are not cutting it. NEVER.

It made me smile, yet I found myself struggling to cut my hair after remembering. I’m not really sure why, as I’m cutting my hair rather than yours, <strike>but love has never made sense.</strike>

Anyway, it ended up getting a bit longer, and Lailah complimented it. She said I really do suit shoulder-length hair. I hadn’t the heart to tell her why it’s longer, and I’ve considered cutting it back to normal. But I think I might like it too.

You said you liked my hair. Would you like to see it long, too?

Maybe I should grow it out some more.

**Entry 12**

I thought you’d like to know that the longer my hair gets, the curlier it gets as well. Strange, isn’t it? It’s thick too. Lailah is enjoying styling it for me and Edna likes to insert flowers in there.

I thought that’d be much too girly, but I could tell she was enjoying herself, so I let her carry on. And I have to admit I ended up liking it.

You said dandelions were your favourite, right? That always made me laugh, because they’re weeds, not flowers. I guess you’re not much of a flower person.

I’m better at baking now, as Lailah helped teach me about how to control temperatures despite my water affinity. Perhaps you’d like a chocolate cake instead.

I’ll make sure to explore recipes more and see what you might like.

**Entry 13**

Today is harder. But it’s been centuries, and even though I worry still that you might not wake up after all, I feel relieved in a way.

If I still feel sadness over you, I still remember you, so the pain is a blessing in a way.

**Entry 14**

I saw Symonne the other day. She’s changed a lot. I think she still struggles over what happened, which makes me feel comforted in a strange sense. Both because it makes her more human, but also because it makes me feel reassured that I’m not silly for still struggling over you sometimes.

She also made me think about how I’ve changed myself. My friends say I’m definitely more mature. However, they also say I’m like how I always was. Just a little different.

I’m glad to hear it. I’m hoping for things to return to how it once was, when you come home.

Please return soon.

**Entry 15**

Five centuries. Time sure does fly when you’re a seraph.

I’m not sure if I need this as much anymore. I’ve learned to speak to my friends instead when I need their help. However, I realised when looking back on what I’ve written here that I haven’t thanked you yet. Not properly, anyway.

So thank you. Thank you for all the happiness you gave me when you were here. I know that I got too embarrassed to admit it sometimes, and I still find it a little bit embarrassing even now to say this, but you meant the whole world to me.

We always had so much fun, and you were so selfless. I never stopped looking up to you. And no, that’s not literally. I’m not talking about our heights.

You took on the burdens of the Shepherd without hesitation. What I admired most about that is that you didn’t even do this because you felt like you had to, or even simply should. You did that because it was how you could achieve your dreams. It shows how pure those dreams were, that it lead you to helping others on the way.

It’s inspiring. Really. And you ended up saving the world as well, which everyone thanks you for as well.

I can’t wait for the day you get to see this world you’ve created. After all you’ve done for it, after all you’ve sacrificed, you deserve that and so much more.

I know you’ll come home soon. You’re simply much too stubborn to stay asleep forever.

And when you do, we’ll have fun together again, just like old times.

I promise I’ll never forget you.


End file.
